For full impact, these have not been edited by my current self—though I will include footnotes for clarity—so here are the inner thoughts of 15-year-old me in all their awkward glory (and I just realized, to my abject horror, that my computer won't let me copy and paste it in, so I have to retype it all. Gulp. Let's see if I can make it through this without becoming physically ill):
August 1, 2005
"Hey, does anyone here besides me write songs?
If you're interested, I'll post some of the songs I've written. And no, they're not the emogawth crap you always see on the NW.*
Here's one of my favorites:
'Human Wallpaper'
I wish I could be human wallpaper
But no, I've always been the freak
If there was no popularity
No one would ever be afraid to speak
I wish that everyone could be real
And all untruths ever known were made public
I really don't see what is the deal
With decieving** the public with stunts and tricks (oh no)
Chorus:
In a world
Of secrets and lies
You can feel
So different sometimes
If only someone would stand up and say,
'I'm not gonna be like you today.'
I wish I could just blend right in
As subtle as a decorative floral pattern
Standing there with transparent skin
The only way to teach those who need to learn
'Cause in the night
Egos are traded and sold
One day you're great
Next day you're out in the cold
Time to stand up
Overthrow all these tyrants
We can do it
All we need is the perfect chance
Chorus
Bridge:
We must stand up for what is right
We won't give up without a fight
All we need is one chance...in the night
Chorus x 2
Human wallpaper...
I wrote that after I was really furious at the preppies at my school. I think I adapted the 'human wallpaper' phrase from a TV show, but I wasn't inspired to write this until I was talking with my friend Jackie, and how she's lucky to be ignored by the general student body, whereas I've always been sort of a pariah at my school."
Good. Lord.
I was so desperate for attention back then. And if I'd known that I was finally going to find and keep REAL friends for perhaps the first time in my life in the upcoming year of school (sophomore year), there's no way I would've written that. And not only that, but since then I've accepted that damn it, I am a freak (or a nerd, if you think "freak" is too strong a term), and there's no reason I shouldn't be proud of it! I just have to find suitably freaky friends.
Not only that, but the music I'd had in my head for this (though, fortunately, I never recorded it) was eerily similar to that of "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire. At the time, I hated them and that was the only song of theirs that I liked—the first time I heard Funeral I thought it was excessively boring, but then again, I was reading a Harry Potter book the first time I heard it—and thought this was sort of a means of getting revenge. Not only do I now think that was an incredibly immature idea, but I also love Arcade Fire to death now. I realized their genius only a couple months after I wrote that post.
*NW = Neopian Writers. Yes, as in Neopets. I used to be quite obsessed with that meaningless little site that was full of censorship, immaturity and downright meanness. But then again, if my then-best friend Leslie hadn't told me about it when I was nine, I wouldn't have met some of my best Internet friends, whom I still retain to this day...
**Yes, I did misspell "deceiving." That's particularly embarrassing for a grammar/spelling fascist like myself.
The other post:
August 8, 2005
"Here's another song I wrote. I'm somewhat proud of it, so I thought I'd share it.
But before you read this, let me tell you: If it doesn't make sense to you, that's somewhat intentional. I'm usually a pretty straightforward songwriter, but this time I decided to go a little out of my comfort zone. It was partially inspired by Ocasek saying on the interview segment of The Cars Live that his songs aren't really based on real people (whereas mine usually are) and he just takes phrases that sound good to him. This song just seemed to come to me, and I think it looks kind of Cars-ish myself, though I didn't do that on purpose. But enough chitchat.
'Drop Me The Line'
I'm a walking contradiction
You're a beautiful disgrace
And I'm making a prediction
That you're feeling out of place
Through the window-flecked memories
Of time that passes by
The delusions of the past
Are more than meets the eye
Chorus:
Why don't you drop me the line
You always hook me every time
Drop me the line
You're so mine
I'm the darling of the strip mall
You're the count of counterfeit
And your snarky little grin there
Can't make a fool of it
As the waves begin to roll in
Threats of apathy ensue
All the pretty boys in the world
Can't change the force of you
Chorus
I'm a speckle in your rear view
You're a running distant man
And with all the lookers near you
Better catch me while you can
Golden glints on the horizon
Are they real or are they fake?
With the stakes as high as they are
Better grab what you can take
Chorus x 2"
In retrospect, this has stood the test of time far better than "Human Wallpaper" did, but I was kidding myself when I said I didn't mean for it to come out looking Cars-ish—I specifically remember when I was writing this that I modeled it on The Cars' "Gimme Some Slack." And although I still quite like Ric Ocasek's style of lyrics, I've learned that everyone has to develop his or her own style (and admittedly, I still haven't found mine yet, since I haven't written a single original song since these), since imitating someone else's just results in disaster. There are still a few phrases in "Drop Me The Line" that I like—particularly "window-flecked memories," which was inspired by gazing out the windows of an old Amtrak train—but otherwise it's ludicrously pretentious and makes no sense whatsoever. And the worst part is that that was my intention. Mr. Ocasek can pull it off since he does it in such an evocative way that it leaves the listener to fill in the blanks and create a vivid scene, and it suits his image and personality as an eccentric. I can't.
(I'm very grateful, however, that the absolute worst of the songs I wrote in that period never got posted, and I threw away the original notebook that contained it. It was called "Object Of My Addiction" and from what I can remember of it, it was a very shallow lust song to my crush at the time, with embarrassingly cheesy lyrics. Ergh.)
